WaysouthThe Feminist Romance Writer...An Oxymoron?
October 24th 2006 09:58
Yes, I do consider myself somewhat of a feminist, even though my favourite thing to do is write romance novels.
Perhaps an oxymoron, but, then again, my heroines do kick some major ass (including the hero’s).
This feminist within the writer within the romantic comes out through my wifely duties, too (whoever coined ‘wifely duties’ needs to be shot, in my opinion…they may have already been shot, in this day and age).
I love being home with my baby, and will not put her in child care, because I truly want to be with her, and bring her up with the old tradition of family (you know the one, where someone is actually at home with the children).
Yet, I loathe the stigma of a housewife, and I loathe being the ‘kept’ woman. It stands against everything I am, or think I am, or see myself as. Or hope to see myself as.
And I think I’m quite possibly the world’s worst wife. I refuse to iron, which shocks quite a lot of people in my life. I remember my BMF’s mother, whom I love dearly, and her sister (who I also love dearly, they are wonderful women), almost fall over in shock at my statement that my Husband irons his own shirts.
For one, Husband would rather iron his own shirts, for he’s seen the clothes I’ve attempted to iron (I must have been drunk, to pick up an iron in the first place).
And two, I seriously can not, or will not, find the time to iron.
But then, I have all these inspirational writing quotes or books or monthly journals that say things like ‘You can’t do housework and write.’
That’s become more than a quote to me, that’s a day-to-day inspiration.
I have a friend who I met when our babies were born in the same hospital, and were in special care together, who lamented to her large number of friends who all have babies, how someone in her life (probably some kind of mother figure) had teased her about her not ironing all the baby clothes. Friend went round to all her other friends, all with babies, saying ‘Can you believe that? Wanting me to iron all the baby clothes? Is she crazy?’
Nobody got where Friend was coming from. In fact, one of Friend’s friends had the ironing board out and there sat a pile of tiny pink baby clothes.
Needless to say, when she finally got around to me with this lament, we had a good laugh. In fact, I was on the floor in hysterics (‘Ironing?’ Loud laughter… ‘Baby clothes!’ Slamming my hand against the floor repeatedly). I was the only one to join in with her absolute wonder at people ironing baby clothes (I was marveling – and hysterical - at people ironing, full stop…my vision of the world sees everybody at peace, loving and respecting one another, while wearing wrinkled clothes).
This leads me to remember the time my stepmother’s mother, who is the classic, token Spanish elder woman (and I do adore her, she is a crack-up and an inspiration), gave me some advice: she told me just because I was married, that was no reason to let myself go. I had to put make-up on, make myself pretty, and basically cater to my husband for the evening.
I was heavily pregnant at the time, dead on my feet, and looking at her like she was quite possibly deranged (I do love her, this lady in my life, with her quaint old housewifey traditions…she’s almost like a tribute to housewives of the past).
My feminist mind just could not (and still can not) grasp where she was coming from with this.
Then there’s that lovely BMF of mine, who sends me random emails now and then, telling me to go pleasure my husband. He does this, I swear, because he so enjoys those abusive emails I send back to him.
What about me? I say. Why can’t Husband be the one to cater to me all night? I’ve just spent 14 hours with a toddler, I should be lounging on a bed right now, champagne cocktails brought to me regularly (or shots of morphine, one or the other), while my feet are being rubbed.
I say this to BMF with plenty of 'bloodys' and 'fucks' thrown in…I think this may be why he keeps me around full stop – he loves setting me off onto a swearing tangent. He keeps me around as the pink-wearing, romantic, off-with-the-fairies girl who loves to swear.
Another instance of my bad ‘wifely duties’ (separate and apart from my swearing) is my telling friends or family how Husband sometimes comes home and does the cooking, or bathes the baby. Yes, even after working all day.
Gone are the days the husband put his feet up at the end of the day, the children all bathed when he walks in the door, and there’s a three-course dinner on the table that took old wifey three hours to cook (where did the 1950’s housewives find the time?).
Yes, I do clean, but not to excess, and definitely not as much as I probably should.
Yes, there is dinner on the table when he gets home (mostly…).
And yes, I spend all day with the baby, loving and cuddling and playing ball and going for walks and watching too much children television.
But I’m the first to tell Husband to do it himself, whatever ‘it’ is, while I type away at my romance novel.
I’m the first to jump down anyone’s throats for disparaging housewives, and not giving them enough credit in the first place. After all, isn’t it enough we devote every waking hour to our children, and the running of a household?
Do we really need the expectations of a perfect house, all sparkling clean, the clothes all ironed, the magnificent meal on the table, on top of it all? The wife all dressed up to the hilt, looking stunning (I like to think I look stunning anyway, thank you very much)!
There has to be something Husband sees in me, however (apart from the stunning looks and the swearing), since I really am a contender for World’s Worse Wife (the WWW title). I mean, after all, there is still women out there that do love to iron, and cater to their husband.
This Romance Writer just ain’t one of them.
I’m too busy writing those best-sellers. Oh, and loving my baby girl.
Perhaps an oxymoron, but, then again, my heroines do kick some major ass (including the hero’s).
This feminist within the writer within the romantic comes out through my wifely duties, too (whoever coined ‘wifely duties’ needs to be shot, in my opinion…they may have already been shot, in this day and age).
I love being home with my baby, and will not put her in child care, because I truly want to be with her, and bring her up with the old tradition of family (you know the one, where someone is actually at home with the children).
Yet, I loathe the stigma of a housewife, and I loathe being the ‘kept’ woman. It stands against everything I am, or think I am, or see myself as. Or hope to see myself as.
And I think I’m quite possibly the world’s worst wife. I refuse to iron, which shocks quite a lot of people in my life. I remember my BMF’s mother, whom I love dearly, and her sister (who I also love dearly, they are wonderful women), almost fall over in shock at my statement that my Husband irons his own shirts.
For one, Husband would rather iron his own shirts, for he’s seen the clothes I’ve attempted to iron (I must have been drunk, to pick up an iron in the first place).
And two, I seriously can not, or will not, find the time to iron.
But then, I have all these inspirational writing quotes or books or monthly journals that say things like ‘You can’t do housework and write.’
That’s become more than a quote to me, that’s a day-to-day inspiration.
I have a friend who I met when our babies were born in the same hospital, and were in special care together, who lamented to her large number of friends who all have babies, how someone in her life (probably some kind of mother figure) had teased her about her not ironing all the baby clothes. Friend went round to all her other friends, all with babies, saying ‘Can you believe that? Wanting me to iron all the baby clothes? Is she crazy?’
Nobody got where Friend was coming from. In fact, one of Friend’s friends had the ironing board out and there sat a pile of tiny pink baby clothes.
Needless to say, when she finally got around to me with this lament, we had a good laugh. In fact, I was on the floor in hysterics (‘Ironing?’ Loud laughter… ‘Baby clothes!’ Slamming my hand against the floor repeatedly). I was the only one to join in with her absolute wonder at people ironing baby clothes (I was marveling – and hysterical - at people ironing, full stop…my vision of the world sees everybody at peace, loving and respecting one another, while wearing wrinkled clothes).
This leads me to remember the time my stepmother’s mother, who is the classic, token Spanish elder woman (and I do adore her, she is a crack-up and an inspiration), gave me some advice: she told me just because I was married, that was no reason to let myself go. I had to put make-up on, make myself pretty, and basically cater to my husband for the evening.
I was heavily pregnant at the time, dead on my feet, and looking at her like she was quite possibly deranged (I do love her, this lady in my life, with her quaint old housewifey traditions…she’s almost like a tribute to housewives of the past).
My feminist mind just could not (and still can not) grasp where she was coming from with this.
Then there’s that lovely BMF of mine, who sends me random emails now and then, telling me to go pleasure my husband. He does this, I swear, because he so enjoys those abusive emails I send back to him.
What about me? I say. Why can’t Husband be the one to cater to me all night? I’ve just spent 14 hours with a toddler, I should be lounging on a bed right now, champagne cocktails brought to me regularly (or shots of morphine, one or the other), while my feet are being rubbed.
I say this to BMF with plenty of 'bloodys' and 'fucks' thrown in…I think this may be why he keeps me around full stop – he loves setting me off onto a swearing tangent. He keeps me around as the pink-wearing, romantic, off-with-the-fairies girl who loves to swear.
Another instance of my bad ‘wifely duties’ (separate and apart from my swearing) is my telling friends or family how Husband sometimes comes home and does the cooking, or bathes the baby. Yes, even after working all day.
Gone are the days the husband put his feet up at the end of the day, the children all bathed when he walks in the door, and there’s a three-course dinner on the table that took old wifey three hours to cook (where did the 1950’s housewives find the time?).
Yes, I do clean, but not to excess, and definitely not as much as I probably should.
Yes, there is dinner on the table when he gets home (mostly…).
And yes, I spend all day with the baby, loving and cuddling and playing ball and going for walks and watching too much children television.
But I’m the first to tell Husband to do it himself, whatever ‘it’ is, while I type away at my romance novel.
I’m the first to jump down anyone’s throats for disparaging housewives, and not giving them enough credit in the first place. After all, isn’t it enough we devote every waking hour to our children, and the running of a household?
Do we really need the expectations of a perfect house, all sparkling clean, the clothes all ironed, the magnificent meal on the table, on top of it all? The wife all dressed up to the hilt, looking stunning (I like to think I look stunning anyway, thank you very much)!
There has to be something Husband sees in me, however (apart from the stunning looks and the swearing), since I really am a contender for World’s Worse Wife (the WWW title). I mean, after all, there is still women out there that do love to iron, and cater to their husband.
This Romance Writer just ain’t one of them.
I’m too busy writing those best-sellers. Oh, and loving my baby girl.
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Comment by Little Angry Doll
Falling Haiku Leaf
I used to earn "considerablely more" than Husband and thought that I'd go back to work and leave him at home.
I didn't. And I iron his shirts. I love sending husband into the world with a pressed shirt, matching socks and a packed lunch.
I love making my boys and neices felt toys.
I think that there is a liberating aspect to staying at home and doing what our mothers generation resented as "house wife" work. Mind you, Staying at Home is giving me time to nurture not only my boys, but my obsessive compulsive tendencies. I iron because I'm better at it.
But I don't cook.
Comment by K.L. Almeroth
Motherhood
To LAD,
Thanks for reading...and its nice to know there are more women out there, staying home with their kids...and being driven slowly insane!
Kidding! No, seriously, I wouldn't change being home with my baby girl for anything. She's my world.
K.L.
P.S. I'm a terrible cook, and ironer.
Comment by Andrea
V8 Supercar Pitstop
I know exactly where you are coming from. I'll happily admit that I'm really not sure where my bloke keeps the iron ... haven't seen it in months. We don't even own an ironing board.
I am the proud mum of two beautiful children (with another on the way). I cook, do the walk to and from school twice a day, do all the washing (and put the clean and dry clothes away afterwards) and generally have to pick up all the toys that are constantly left on the floor. I do the toilet runs for my son in the middle of the night and still manage to drag myself out of bed at seven o'clock in the morning to get my daughter ready for school.
I'm not a good cleaner, the toilet only gets cleaned when it gets so bad that bloke (with a few audible hisses and moans) pulls the bleach off the laundry shelf and pours it into the bowl.
I hate housework, however I made the decision when I had my first child that I wanted to leave work and stay at home full time with her. Just as you did. So I feel obliged to get my hands dirty occasionally (especially when you can't see the TV screen through all the dust that has accumulated on it).
How I fit my writing in each day I don't know. But I do. And I wouldn't change it for the world.
A.H.
Comment by K.L. Almeroth
Motherhood
A.H.
Sometimes you scare me, we're so similiar...
Yes, I spent last night begging my husband to clean the toilet...it is so bad I can't even bare the thought of it! Needless to say, he didn't do it (but there's always tonight, to try some bribery).
And, actually, as I wrote this post, he was ironing my clothes!! How funny is that??
Glad there's someone else like me out there...
K.L.
Comment by Andrea
V8 Supercar Pitstop
Damn ... wish my bloke would iron my clothes for me! Oh well, I'll just have to continue to pretend that my pants are supposed to be all creased.
I'm positive it was a man who invented the iron ... no woman would ever be so stupid! Maybe we should start the 'Iron Free' club and always wear creased clothes ... proudly, of course.
Always lovely to 'meet' a like-minded soul...
A.H.
Comment by K.L. Almeroth
Motherhood
A.H.
Yes, its all about training them (in my infinite wisdom)...
Although, I have a best male friend who used to iron all my clothes, so I feel perhaps my husband only irons my stuff now because of this? You know, I step in and say 'Andy used to iron my clothes,' all sulky like, and then he feels obligated to do it.
Something about men and other men and their 'territory'...works for me!
Yes, I like the sounds of the Iron-Free Club.
I do actually like looking all wrinkly...
K.L.
Comment by DuskDevi
Rucks and Rolls
Rugby World Cup 2007
I think feminism is being true to whatever you wish to be...without hating what other women are.
I don't get 'bimbo'.
I don't get why women use this word.
I don't get why the supposed Feminists like Andrea Dwight and Greer hate their own kind so much.
I don't get why woman and feminist are 2 separate (state of) beings.
And why do feminine and feminist have such a gulf between them?
(I don't believe this to be the case at all and reading the comments, no one here does either)
Please don't throw the Hilton girl and ilk at me. They're irritating but so is Naomi Wolf.
Cripes. We can really be awful to each other can't we? I'm not saying it hasn't been hard (for women through the ages)...it's precisely because it's been so hard is why I'm baffled as to why women attack and judge each other so much.
Whoops...I think I did a touch of that myself...
I don't cook. Don't know how. My husband and sons cook. I clean. I love cleaning...very therapeutic. Love laundry...method in my pedantic madness. I love ironing my husbands shirts..even though he can do all this (cleaning, ironing, blah, blah) himself. I love seeing my sons all white and bright in their chefs uniforms (...understand why I don't cook at all??) and rugby gear.
I work from home which means I have the luxury of being able to combine domestic and professional lives and yet...it's my husband that prepares the family meal...and for 7 (sometimes more) this is no easy task.
Especially because he doesn't work from home.
I'm not talking microzapped meals either.
It's an equal household...even though the males outnumber 5-2.
And...Little Angry Doll...I'm with you re the OCT...I like my pegs to match and shirts ironed a certain way...
Continue being the Roman-tic Gladiator you are K.L.
DuskDevi
MOSTEST
Member of the Order of Solidarity of The Equal Sister Tribe
(...yes, I know, it makes no sense but I was pushed for time...)
Comment by K.L.Almeroth
Dusk Devi,
I love what you said. And I love knowing your husband cooks the meals! And your sons!
What a modern family...
I think my husband sometimes wonders why he puts up with me...and why he can't have a 'normal' wife...
A few smacks to the head gets him back in line.
Love your MOSTEST club. I'm with ya.
K.L.
Comment by Andrea
V8 Supercar Pitstop
How do I join MOSTEST? Love that concept!
A.H.
Comment by DuskDevi
Rucks and Rolls
Rugby World Cup 2007
It sounds to me, if your husband was given the choice between 'normal' and You (and no more smacks to the head!)...come on...
Romantic Gladiator wins. Game Over.
Normal is in the I of the beholder.
Now look in the mirror and say...
"I, K.L. am normal...in a very unusual way"
My sons...ulterior motive...I want my future daughters-in-law to love me for making their lives easier!!
My husband...sigh...a gift you know?
(...and the sound of mass vomiting was heard in the distance...)
yours in MOSTEST
DuskDevi
Comment by DuskDevi
Rucks and Rolls
Rugby World Cup 2007
A.H.
Just by expressing your understanding, you have joined.
yours in MOSTEST
DuskDevi
Comment by K.L. Almeroth
Motherhood
To DuskDevi,
I love this new MOSTEST club we've got going here! The sisters with the MOSTEST!
I like it!
Yes, I like to think I win the romantic rounds with hubby...don't we women always win??
K.L.
Comment by DuskDevi
Rucks and Rolls
Rugby World Cup 2007
Have been inspired to write a post about MOSTEST. You of course are a founding member.
A.H. you in?
Stay tuned.
DuskDevi
ps. I think men can actually be more romantic and sentimental than women...women are equipped to handle complexities. Men get emotional.
Comment by Andrea
V8 Supercar Pitstop
Need you ask ... call me member number 3. Love MOSTEST already.
A.H.
P.S. My bloke doesn't even know the meaning of the word romantic.
Comment by K.L. Almeroth
Motherhood
DuskDevi,
Looking forward to reading your post!
A.H.
I know what you mean, re husbands. You'd think my husband would be the most romantic man in the world, with me as a wife...
Not the case!
K.L.
Comment by Andrea
V8 Supercar Pitstop
Maybe he thinks he doesn't have to be ... you must be romantic enough for the two of you!
I get my bit of romance from the books I read (and some of the scenes I write). Come on, everyone ... feel sorry for me ...
A.H.
MOSTEST rules.
Comment by K.L. Almeroth
Motherhood
A.H.
I know, there's nothing quite like the romance of your own scenes, is there??
Husbands have a lot to live up to, when we're romance writers! How can they compete with our heroes??
They can't!! I'm madly in love with my Corky, from Betrayal. I wish he were real!!!
K.L.
Comment by Andrea
V8 Supercar Pitstop
But that's just it. How can you write about Corky convincingly if you're not in love with him. He'd end up sounding bland and uninteresting, unrealistic.
You can't tell me that you didn't steal a few little traits from your hubby and give them to Corky, though? You must have!!!
Love writing about love (and sex).
A.H.
Comment by K.L. Almeroth
Motherhood
A.H.
Honestly, Corky's made up of all these traits I've scavenged from men...a bit like Frankenstein's monster! As unromantic as that sounds...
The fact that you love writing about love and sex, makes you such a fantastic Romantic Writer!!
K.L.
Comment by MatthewB
WE WANT ART WITH AESTHETICS!!
Comment by K.L. Almeroth
Motherhood
To MatthewB,
I'm glad you think so!!
Thanks for visiting (us feminists may not know how to iron shirts, but we can be polite still!)!
K.L.